It was my first day of college.
I was sitting on the stairs, minding my business, when an extrovert approached me. It turned out we were in the same class. We had a little chat, introduced ourselves, and all that.
Within a week, I was adopted by his gang of extroverts. They treated me well. We did almost everything together. Chilling in the cafeteria, talking about women, long bike trips, and all that guy stuff.
After every meeting, drinking party, and trip, I used to feel very drained. I had zero energy to even move. I was mentally exhausted. But I just couldn’t understand what was causing it. I thought it was just regular tiredness. And I ignored it.
And I kept on ignoring it for the next 12 years.
Whenever we used to meet, it was only for drinking, partying, and driving around the city. The conversations were empty, meaningless, and added nothing to my growth. I hated it. But I could never say no.
How could I say no to people I’ve shared 12 years of my life with?
I gave, and gave, and gave. Laughed at their silly jokes, ignored their lack of depth, and followed them around like a fool.
But one day, everything changed.
The same friend who approached me on Day 1 of college had returned to the city after about 8 months. We planned to meet for drinks.
We were sitting in the living room of my apartment. That moment felt like forever. And we had nothing to talk about. Absolutely nothing. It was so awkward, and I almost felt like choking.
It was the same friend I’ve known for 12 years of my life, and we had nothing. Then came the whisky, and then came the words.
That day I realised, we were not really friends, we were just drinking & partying buddies.
Energy never lies
Within the next few months, I distanced myself from everyone.
There was a point in my life when I had literally zero friends. I was alone, but I was at peace. I thought I needed those people. That I could not survive alone without any friends. But the truth was completely opposite.
I was way more happy and emotionally stable. Had more time and energy. And had more zeros in my bank.
I finally stopped lying to myself and started following my energy.
Here’s a simple test: People who are good for you, fill you up with energy. You don’t feel drained after meeting them. In fact, you will feel energised.
Distance yourself from anyone or anything that makes you feel pressured. That takes away your peace. That you cannot say no to without feeling guilty.
Hang out with people who share the same interests as you. People who like to discuss philosophy, psychology, the meaning of life, and dive dives into the human condition.
Hang out with people who vibe right with your energy. Who you can have a conversation with without needing to get drunk first.
Hang out with people who add to your mental growth. People who discuss ideas, not events.
And the way to do it is to simply pay attention to your own feelings, and ask yourself:
How does this friend really make me feel?
Am I comfortable sharing my deep secrets with them?
Do I feel energised or drained after meeting them?
Have I learned anything from them?
Do I feel awkward saying no to them?
These simple questions will give you enough clarity about whether they are your real friends, or just some people you know.
As an introvert, you don’t just seek company, you seek a deep meaningful connection. You want to connect on a soul level.
And if it doesn’t give you that kind of connection, let it go.
How to cut off toxic friends
The simplest and most effective way to do it is: Stop giving them attention like you used to.
Late replies.
Missed calls.
Cancel plans more often.
Be busy.
Tell them you have plans.
By doing this regularly, you create a pattern for them. And over time, this pattern will push them away. They’ll learn that you’re busy, and they’ll stop bothering you.
You don’t have to be rude. Don’t tell them in front of their faces that you want to end the friendship. Just be unavailable. And don’t explain your absence. That’s all.
Focus on you. Put yourself first. Make yourself your #1 priority.
Friendships are beautiful, and they can both nourish you and drain you. Choose wisely.