In my 20s, I didn’t even know what boundaries even meant.
I could never say no. Like ever. I was a “yes man”. A doormat. A nice guy.
And what made it even worse was that I used to feel proud about it. Look at me. I’m such a nice guy. Helping everybody in need. Being always there for everyone.
No matter how drained I was feeling, no matter how tired, if someone asked for help or wanted to hang out, I’d immediately leave whatever I was doing. I used to think that if ever I said no to their requests, that’d be selfish. They’d see me as rude, or I might hurt their feelings.
The guilt was overwhelming.
These nice, caring, kind person labels were sucking the life out of me. People used me. Took advantage of my kind nature. But never returned the same energy. Ever.
And that was the first time I asked myself,
“Is there something wrong with me?”
Albert Einstein once said,
“The greater the doubt, the greater the awakening.”
I used to feel that all people were like me. That it was normal to always be available when someone needed you. But one incident shattered my illusions into a million pieces.
I used to live alone in an apartment. One of my college friends who was looking for work asked if he could stay with me for a few days. We were roommates back in college, so naturally I agreed.
I did all the work. Cooking, doing the dishes, buying groceries, while he laid on the couch all day watching TV. A week passed. I was getting anxious. Getting behind at work. My routine was all messed up. But I never said a word.
I felt guilty even for asking him to do anything, let alone asking him to leave. It would make me look like a bad person if I did. So it went on like that for a month.
I just gave and gave and gave. I started getting headaches and cramps. My acne came back. And my mental health was completely destroyed.
When he finally left, I just sat there in my apartment for a whole hour, staring blankly at the wall.
It changed me forever.
The “nice person” syndrome
It all starts in our childhood.
If your emotional needs were not met as a child, you start believing that your needs don’t matter. If you grew up as someone who had to take over adult responsibilities at a young age or listen to a parent’s emotional issues, as a child, you entered the role of a caregiver.
You begin to associate self-worth with helping others. You come to believe that you have to put others first and that your needs are not as important as other people’s.
And you begin to feel tired from all the care and help you give others. And the more people become aware of this, the more they start relying on you. Ultimately, nobody is giving as much as you are.
And whenever you ask someone for help, you are let down. That is when we stop asking for help altogether. We learn to “deal” with it alone.
Resentment, weariness, stress, emptiness, and sometimes anxiety start building up in your body. Your immune system takes a big hit.
And to cope with it, you may turn to medication, alcohol, drugs, or even develop eating disorders.
Do you have trouble expressing your true feelings?
Do you feel you’re often treated like a doormat?
Do you feel you have a lot of suppressed anger and resentment?
Do you feel like you have a hard time saying no?
If you answered yes to any of the above, that’s your sign to learn to put your needs first.
Here’s how.
How to put your needs first without feeling guilty
After struggling to put myself first for years and years and drowning myself in rabbit holes to find a solution, here’s what I found.
- Find all the situations where you tend to put other people’s needs, feelings, and happiness ahead of yours.
It could be answering a phone call right away.
It could be an overwhelming feeling to help people in need.
It could be complying with all the requests of your parents or your partner.
It could be as small as saying hello to your neighbour in the hallway.
In each of these situations, you have to ask yourself,
“Am I being honest with myself?”
Do you really want to do it, or is it just your old programming forcing you to act in that way? In most cases, you’re just acting on autopilot. Because you’ve been acting that way all your life. That’s the only way you know.
Bring a little awareness to that moment. See it through. When you’re aware, you can change how you respond in that situation.
The fear or guilt you feel is the result of your old programming. Your childhood conditioning. When you understand the ‘why’ behind your actions, you gain the power to change them.
Just be honest with yourself. Promise yourself that whatever you’re going to do from this day forward will be based on your honest feelings.
If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. Stop caring about what other people will think, or how other people will feel. This guilt you feel is imaginary.
THEY DON’T CARE.
- Develop self-awareness about your own needs and what gives you fulfillment
You matter. Your feelings matter. Your happiness matters.
You already do enough. You don’t have to do more. Focus on your own needs. And stop feeling guilty.
If your friends are going out and you want to stay at home and watch Netflix and relax, just do that. They’d be fine without you. What’s the point of faking your feelings? Lying to yourself. Doing things you don’t even care about.
Understand this: You’re not responsible for anybody’s happiness. Become aware of what makes you happy, and then express it unapologetically. You owe nothing to anyone. Do things out of interest, not obligation.
It’s not your responsibility to make people feel better. Accompany them. Entertain them. Talk to them. Make them happy. It’s theirs.
That’s all, my friend.
You’ve suffered enough. I did too. And it’s time to stop living for other people, and start living for yourself.
Make yourself your #1 priority.
Help people who really need your help. But you don’t have to go out of your way and sacrifice yourself for other people.
Your only responsibility is to take care of yourself. Love yourself a little more. And your life will change.
Trust me.