I could never say no. Like ever.
You want to go out for a drink? Yes
You want to go out for a drive? Yes
You want to hang out? Yeah. Yes
Are you free? Yes
It was killing me from the inside. But I just couldn’t do it.
I had this fear that if I said no, they’d hate me and leave me.
I hated it. I hated it so much that it almost made me choke. But I kept on saying yes.
I asked myself over and over again,
What the hell is wrong with me?
It’s just a two letter word. Why is it so difficult? What is this pain, this resistance that pulls me back.
And after years of struggling, thinking, and reflection, I finally figured it out.
Why you can’t say no
The answer lies in your childhood.
As a child, you were dependent on your parents. For food, for clothes, for shelter, and for survival. And just about everything you can think of.
And to make sure that you continue getting these things, you had to follow the rules. The rules of your parents.
How much TV you can watch
How much games you can play
How much time can you spend outside
How far from home can you go
When you sleep, when you wake up, and when you eat
Everything was controlled by your parents.
Now they were simply repeating the rules that they had learned from their parents. And no doubt some of these rules were necessary for your safety and survival.
But the rule that really messed you up and distorted your personality was:
YOU WERE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY NO TO THEIR DEMANDS OR REQUESTS
Why?
Because they were your parents. They were taking care of you. Giving you food, clothes, and paying for your school. So you were obligated to them. In debt to them.
How can you say no to them?
And introverts, being highly sensitive, start carrying this burden of obligation. You start bottling up your feelings. Because whenever you say no to your parents, they blackmail you into feeling that you’ve done something wrong. Like you’ve hurt them by saying no. Like your feelings and needs don’t matter, and only their feelings matter.
The pain you feel while saying yes under pressure seeps into each and every cell of your body. The body remembers. Experiences, feelings, and emotions. Everything.
And this repeated behaviour and pain make your subconscious believe that saying no hurts people. And therefore you start putting their needs over your own.
And you carry this belief into your adult life.
When someone asks you to go out, even if your whole body is saying no, your childhood subconscious patterns force you to say yes.
That resistance, that choking feeling that you get every time you do something you don’t want to do, is the conflict between your adult rational self and your childhood patterns.
Your higher self wants you to grow up and live freely, do things that you actually enjoy, but your old patterns keep you tied up.
How to break out of your old patterns and say no confidently
Put. Yourself. First.
You’re not a child anymore. You don’t owe anything to anyone.
You’re an independent, intelligent adult now.
Start caring for your needs.
When you feel resistance while saying no to someone, ask yourself:
“Am I putting my needs first?”
The resistance itself is a sign that you’re repeating your old childhood patterns. Learn to observe this feeling. And use it to heal yourself.
Start caring for your needs, your wants, and your desires. Start respecting yourself. See yourself as someone important.
Yes, you’re kind and caring and giving, but stop draining yourself.
When you start respecting yourself, people start treating your differently. And you’ll notice that they don’t really care much when you say no. And then it finally hits you.
You realize that people were like that all along, it was not them, it was you.
Their reactions and responses were exact reflections of your own self image. How you see yourself and treat yourself is exactly how other people are going to see you and treat you.
Make yourself a priority, and they’ll make you their priority.
If you put other people’s needs before yours, they’ll put their needs before yours.
It’s as simple.
Raise yourself about all these patterns of the past by raising your self-awareness. By observing your emotions. And responding according to your own needs.
When you respond with this new you, your response will carry an energy of self-love. Self-respect. Self-awareness.
And people will oblige.