If you’ve ever felt nervous, out of place, or even downright terrified in social situations, you’re not alone.
You’re scared to meet new people. No. You’re not only scared to meet new people, you’re scared to say or do anything when you’re in a company with even one stranger.
Simple things like going to an office to pay your phone bill or making an appointment on the phone, ordering food or even saying good day to the cashier in the supermarket make you sweat and your stomach clench.
You have to deal with people constantly telling you, you’re just shy and have to go out more, but the thought of it terrifies you to your bones.
It gets even better!
You’re not only scared bonkers of strangers, you’re sometimes scared of your own friends! Scared to open up and share things, because you’re afraid how they are going to take it.
Scared to pick up your phone and talk to them when they call you, because what do I say, do I sound weird ?
You’re scared to decline whatever they offer, because will they ever ask me again if I say no?
You want to go out, but you’re afraid to ask first, because you’re scared they’ll reject you, even though you rationally know they would never.
You’re scared to fully be yourself around them, because what if they don’t accept you?
Sometimes you feel lonely and isolated and insignificant to everyone, you want to go out, but then you remember – hey! I hate going out! I dislike people!
Now do you dislike them because you’re scared of them, or because you prefer only your own company, you’ll never know!
You’re always so self aware, you can’t help, but be insecure.
Then you’re always deep in thought, overanalyzing everything, making conclusions and stressing yourself out for nothing.
It’s 2 am, you’re lying in your bed thinking, “Is this ever going to end?”
And I’d say yes, but it won’t happen overnight.
Yes, but you have to face your fears.
Yes, but you have to be honest with yourself.
To overcome social anxiety, the first thing you have to do is to accept that it’s all in your head.
I mean, seriously, ask yourself, “Is it even real?”. No.
You have become a prisoner of your own imagined fears and insecurities.
Here are 3 simple steps you can take to overcome Social Anxiety:
1. Shift Your Focus from Yourself to Others
One of the core issues with social anxiety is that it makes us hyper-aware of ourselves.
We start worrying about how we’re being perceived, whether we’re saying the right thing, and what others think of us.
It’s exhausting!
Instead, try shifting that focus outward.
Social anxiety is like a gigantic negative feedback loop where every embarrassing thing that happens fuels your fear.
And then that fear causes you to withdraw a little more from society,
Then your withdrawal causes your social skills to worsen.
Then your behaviour becomes stranger, then you embarrass yourself more and the cycle repeats.
We have to put an end to this cycle.
How?
By being genuinely interested in other people.
You don’t have to go out of your way to start a conversation.
When you walk into a social setting, make it your goal to focus on the people around you.
Be curious—ask questions, listen actively, and genuinely engage with what others are saying.
A simple question like “How’s your day going?” can shift your focus from yourself to the other person.
The amazing thing about focusing on others is that it stops your brain from over-analyzing your every word and gesture.
And finally, detaches your mind from your own mental drama.
2. Practice Controlled Exposure
Social anxiety doesn’t just mean you’re shy when being around people you don’t know or in a family gathering.
It sometimes gets to the point where you are scared to start or engage in a normal human interaction.
Your brain and emotions are filled with the ‘what ifs’ questions.
And the only way to really answer those ‘what ifs’ is to take action.
Social anxiety won’t disappear overnight. But by gradually exposing yourself to social situations that make you nervous, you can build confidence and make these situations feel less intimidating.
The key is to start small.
Maybe just a quick conversation with a barista, a chat with a coworker, or a brief exchange with a neighbor.
And when you do, you’ll realize, it’s not as bad as your thought.
As you get comfortable with these small steps, increase the challenge.
Push yourself a little further by attending a small gathering, then a larger one.
The idea is to expand your comfort zone step by step.
This controlled exposure helps overcome your fear, making it easier to handle bigger and bigger social interactions without feeling overwhelmed.
3. Reframe Your Thoughts
I suffered from social anxiety for years and it really sucks.
One time I tried to overcome this by becoming a volunteer in some cross-cultural events in college.
But after the first meeting I got a full blown panic attack.
Being around these people during a two-hour meeting was so taxing and emotionally drained me.
I felt like everyone was judging me the entire time although they seemed to ignore me.
But later, I realized it was all in my head.
I have explained in detail in my book “BORN TO STAND OUT”, how negative self-talk is one of the biggest contributors to social anxiety.
Thoughts like:
“They’re going to judge me,” “I’m going to embarrass myself,” or “I’m not good enough” fuel the fear.
But the good news? You can take control of these thoughts.
How?
When you catch yourself spiraling, pause and ask yourself,
“Is this thought really true?”
Often, the worst-case scenario we imagine is far less likely to happen than we think.
Try replacing negative thoughts with more balanced ones, like, “Even if I stumble, people will understand,” or “Everyone feels nervous sometimes.”
It’s human to make mistakes. No one is perfect.
Remember that you didn’t learn to stand straight and walk in the first try, it took you hundreds of falls.
Life’s not that different.
And the truth is that people are usually more focused on themselves than on you.
Stop caring.
The only way you get confident is by understanding none of it actually matters that much.
And trust me, the world isn’t going to end just because you made a mistake, or made a fool of yourself.
Stay blessed,
Karun
If you’d like to learn more, watch the video: